Urgent Care

Friday, January 2, 2009

Conversations with God

So God told me to write journal about my experiences with Him so...
This will not be in chronological order. I'm gonna let things flow.... try to keep up.

I'm laying in bed, its about 10:30 pm on a Friday and the day ahead of me starts in less then 8 hours. I have been full of anger, bitterness, hate, discontent and confusion. I haven't felt feelings like this in about 4 years. The intensity of my emotions are exhausting and I am ready for sleep. The girls are in bed, Matt is...I really don't care.

I close my eyes and God tells me, "go ahead, just ask."
I say, "no, I'm tired, I don't want to ask you for anything. I've made up my mind, I quit. I'm tired of crying, I can't do it anymore, I won't. I'm tired of being sad, I'm tired of being tired all the time. Let me go, I just want a break." I feel myself start to get mad again. I just want to sleep and then I heard him almost laugh.

(note to reader: when I say I hear God, I mean subconsciously, I can't actually hear him audibly.

Although he's so loud in my heart sometimes that I'm pretty shocked that you can't)
So, God in all of His wisdom, says to me, "foolish kid, stop pretending you don't need my help, I'm not gonna beg. So just ask me already and stop being so proud. I know who you really are."
FINE! Man, you know sometimes God, you can be pretty pushy! So I'm gonna pray now but I don't want to. I knew if I did though, that something would happen and I wanted to see what He was up to. So I started and the conversation went something like this...

Jesus, what's wrong with me?! Help! I have this demon inside that I keep feeding with all this anger and I HATE him. But it's not my fault you know, cause I'm hurt and they did this to me, I have every right to feel this and I'm not gonna let it go, I don't care that it makes me feel like shit, I don't care that it hurts my heart, that it makes me hurt my character and hurt my relationship with you. Nothing matters anymore cause I'm done. I'm ready to quit and I'm okay with the consequences of all the things that make no sense whatsoever.

He listens patiently and then I sigh...
I forgot that I'm talking to God and that I'm trying to get away with feeding him a bunch of

conversation continues, this time I surrender...

HELP! I know what you want God, I want it too. But something is telling me I don't. What do I do? I was satisfied, so content with my role. My life was a blessing and now I have given up because I'm tired. It doesn't make sense. (insert tears here)

And then...I feel something come over my body and hold me. I couldn't move. Literally I couldn't move. My arms were together, my hands under my head and I couldn't move. My legs were frozen and I felt like someone was holding me tightly against their body. I felt their breath on my head as I continued with my pity party. I don't want to open my eyes. I continue to try to get my self loose, but there is something definitely keeping me from getting away and I finally give up and let it comfort me. I felt cradled and I didn't care that this was sorta creepy, my body is depleted of any energy and an hour later... I hear Him say..

It's okay kid, I love you and I'll never give you more than you can bear. Go to sleep.
And I did. But He wasn't done and He still isn't...

To Be Continued...

Labels: ,


Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home