Don't Worry

When we make our own misery, we sometimes cling to it even when we want so bad to change, because the misery is something we know.  The misery is comfortable. -Dean Koontz, One Door Away From Heaven

I'm a mess on the inside.  My brain doesn't work like I think it should.  I over analyze and  pick apart stuff that I shouldn't.  In turn, my heart hurts...constantly.  I try to find answers to questions that don't have any.  Mostly because I make up scenarios in my head and/or assumptions.

My life is not boring.

But I sometimes think it is.  I must.  If I didn't think it was boring, then my imagination wouldn't preoccupy itself with made up stories that only make me feel depressed.  There's a quote, I'm not sure who said it but it's so true in my case, it says, "worry is the misuse of your imagination."  That's what I've been doing lately.  Worrying.

Gandhi said that "there is nothing that waste the body like worry.  And anyone who believes in God should be ashamed to worry about anything whatsoever."

Amen Gandhi.

So how do I stop?  The worrying? My imagination? My idle hands?

The other night, I felt anxious.  I had trouble driving and kept almost missing turns and my depth perception was off.  I found myself tuning people out and I would zone into this empty space in my mind and after a short while of just dwelling in that nothingness I would snap out of it and think to myself, focus Stephanie.  Focus on anything else but that space between.  So I read.

2 hours after I picked up "A Boy Named It", I had read it completely and was half way through it's sequel entitled "The Lost Boy".  These books made me ashamed of my worry and I fell asleep grateful to have the life that I did.  The next morning, as I was awakened by a very full bladder, I immediately started to worry.

The following is a list of the worries that I worry about.  Take note, that these thought go through my head faster than you can read them, each with great detail (that I make up) which adds to my misery.  Hence the opening quote of this blog entry;

• Sleep Deprivation: This is in part from just waking up after staying up late writing nonsense blogs.

• My Love Life:  Although it is perfect, right now, I worry that someday it'll end and that will be miserable.

• My Kids:  I worry that I'm not giving them the best childhood ever.  This worry lingers in my head longer then other worries 'cause I'm usually neglecting them while I'm busy worrying. 

• Money: 'Nuff said.

• People: I worry that people don't like me even though I don't like most people.  I like being liked and worrying about not being liked by some people makes me hate them.  And that is miserable.

• The World: I think about the different issues in the world and how I'm not doing anything to make a difference.  I think about abortion, human trafficking, orphans, unloved kids, lonely seniors, hungry vets, abused animals, sick homeless people and how instead of doing something I'm just worrying about them which doesn't help one bit but make me feel unappreciative, selfish and lazy and in addition makes me feel miserable.

• Myself: I worry about my mental health after I worry about the above things and how if I keep worrying about these things and making myself crazy that I will indeed become crazy.  And that worries me.

There is a lot more to this list but it seems as if you might of gotten the picture.  I'm a worrier.  You know what's funny?  The whole time I was writing this blog I was worried that it sucked because I'm tired and a bit delirious right now.  I'm gonna post it anyway and not worry about it. ; )