Getting Real With It

When I write the rest of the world shuts off and I transcend into my mind.  My mind is constantly filled with restless thoughts.  Lately, my mind has been cluttered with a combination of good and bad thoughts, heavenly and earthly, healthy and toxic. 

I feel and see the spiritual struggle within me.  Satan's battle for my flesh and God's battle for my heart, the ultimate prize in the end being my soul.  Heh, I'm the prize....the prize?

I never struggle with my identity in Christ.  I know that I am forever saved, loved, forgiven.... My struggle is for my identity here on earth.  A silly worry for those who are mature in faith and maybe not so silly for those who don't believe in the concept of God.  I'm speaking as someone who is in love with God, has great faith and is still alive...here on earth.  And this is my struggle, I am still very much human.

When I was baptized 6 years ago, I was to die to my flesh...take up "my cross" and be reborn.  I was, that day...but I keep finding that dying to my flesh is a daily task, sometimes hourly for me.

I think that for me, being a young (relatively speaking) writer/artist/mom/wife/human, that the need to be accepted and loved by the majority IS important.  At what cost though?  For what good is a man if he gains the world but looses his soul?  I get this scripture, believe it, long to live by it.  I remind myself of this passage almost everyday, replacing the word "world" with, drunkenness, sexual immorality, apathy, carelessness, etc, to relate to my daily temptations.  The truth of the matter is that these things that Satan tempts me with leave me feeling pretty shitty....leave me feeling like I'd rather die...so why don't I?  Spiritually speaking?  Die to my flesh...how does/can someone ignore their natural needs to be loved and accepted.

My Christian friends will say, "well, pray Stephanie, ask and ye shall receive." BLAGH!  Well, sure guys, easier said then done.  I do.  Does everything have to be a spiritual attack? Can it be that God made me human and that I'm not perfect.  No matter how much I pray, how much I read scripture, how long I spend time with God, it will not make me perfect, it will not make me stop feeling my imperfect feelings.  Let's get real.  I believe and am okay with God letting me be imperfect so that I can seek him to comfort and correct me, teach me and walk with me.  God, let's us fall so He can pick us back up... if we ask.

Where am I going with all this?  I'm sitting here asking myself.  Lets see...my identity...here it is...I am okay with being a sinner and a Christian.  A Christian Sinner.  Which we all are.  (Heresy!!)  I'm not saying that I'm okay with sinning, I'm saying that I accept that I am a sinner and that I suck and that I am still accepted by God.  And that should be enough for me.

Maybe it is.  I'm not fully convinced though.

Where I'd Rather Be

This was written about a month ago and for some reason never published.  I will publish it now.

The following is going to be an entry written while listening to Rancid's Let the Dominoes Fall.

Bare with me as my thoughts might become distracted by Tim Armstrong singing ridiculous lyrics in the background.

It's Easter Sunday around 10 pm.  I sitting in the ramp office at work waiting for a plane that's over 2 hours late.  The atmosphere is dense and outside is cold and windy.  There are so many places I'd rather be right now.  I will list a few.

1. Santa Monica, CA
2. Las Vegas, NV
3. My house, my back yard
4. My car
5. an imaginary art studio set in my new apartment 2 months from now.
6. First Friday
7. Heaven
8. The Gun Store
9. At the movies with my cousins
10. Having sushi with Brett Kasden
11. Having a beer with Brett Kasden
12. On the river
13. Seattle
14. The Warf
15. Time Square
16. Central Park
17. Over at Delta
18. India with Shauna McCullar
19. IHOP with Shauna McCullar
20. Geo Caching with Matthew
21. In bed with Matthew (meow)
22. Barn Bar
23. In the middle of the road on Washington and Mojave
24. On my roof with a hot cup of coffee
25. Destiny Church between 6-7p YESTERDAY
26. At a Counting Crows Concert
27. At a coffee shop playing chess with Matthew
28. I'd rather be high
29. Amoeba Records
30. Id rather be drawing outside

Id rather be standing at the dmv in Vegas on a Friday at lunch time.  Yeah.  So even though that list wasn't written in order of preference, you get the picture of how little I want to be here.  Life is suppose to be about living and when I'm here i'm waiting.  I'm waiting for the clock to speed up and the plane to land so that I can get the fuck out of this place and start to live.

Faux Obituary (it's not real people)

Stephanie Holt, 72, of San Diego, died peacefully Wednesday.

She was born in to the late Ruben Valenzuela and Maribel Galvez, August 21, 1983 in Las Vegas, NV.  She married her highschool sweetheart, the late Matthew Holt in 2002 and is survived by 3 daughters, Jade Romero, of San Diego, CA, Samantha McCullar, of Portland,OR and Elise Andrews, of Sacramento,CA.  She also is survived by 6 grandchildren and 2 great grandchildren, as well as dozens of foster children and their children.

Stephanie loved to travel and lived adventurously, fully trusting in her Lord, Jesus Christ, to provide for her family financially and spiritually.  Because of her faith, she raised her children in a Christian home, and although critized by the Christian community as being a radical and babaric in her walk with Christ, was known by many for her love for orphans and the community that she created around her home in Southern California. 

Stephanie and her late husband Matthew founded The Gathering, an art community within the neighborhood they resided in, promoting freedom to worship God through art, music and writing.  Neighbors attribute the peaceful quality of living in the 1 mile radius of this block to The Gathering and many state that although The Gathering is founded on Christianity, they have never felt excluded from the community due to cultural or religious differences.  The San Diego police department has recognized The Gathering for being a contributing factor to the decline of crime in the area and the San Diego Union Tribune has recognized The Gathering as the reason for the increase in property value in the neighborhood since its establishment in 2032.  Her daughter Jade Romero has heired this non profit organization and will continue with its operation to promote community, faith, hope and love.

Stephanie has written several childrens book and an autobiography was published in 2054.

A memorial service will be held Saturday at Mission Beach at 5p.  An evening of celebration and rememberance of Mrs. Holt's life will be held by The Gathering community in their neighborhood at 7p.  All are invited for an evening of community and love...the greatest being love.

The Inevitable According to Me

This is the last paragraph of my autobiography...to be rewritten at any time and with as many revisions as I deem necessary.

     Our life so far has been a tiring one.  The kind of tired though that leaves you lying in bed, wide awake, wondering..."what next?"  The kind of tired that is meerly physical and less mentally exhausting.  The kind of tired that makes the outside look older then you feel.  I'll be 71 years old tomorrow and our house is full of children varying from ages 12-24.  It's close to one in the morning and I can hear the whispers and giggles of our new family who have contributed to the richness and happiness that is now our daily life.  They call me blessed and yet I am the one who feels so blessed to have rescued these children from those institutions.  In their brokenness, they overflow with generosity and compassion for eachother and the world that has rejected them so harshly.  They have taught me unconditional love in my old age and continue to shape my character, to that which I can now call Christ-like.  I am humble, patient, and kind.  Willing to lay my life down for these kids who I now call my friends.  I am no longer known for the clothes I wear or the things I own, I am known for the love I expell and that last forever.



Corinthians 13:13 Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.