So apparently it is torn

I have an MRI to determine if I need surgery. I'm gonna go jog.

A New Day

It's Sunday and to most people its the last day of the weekend instead of the 1st day of the week.
Remember that?
Ofcourse, the dreaded Monday lurks around the corner and Monday has taken Sunday's place as number one. To Christian's all over, today is the Sabbath, a day of rest. But God rested on the last day not the first. So....?
Those were all random thoughts when Sunday came to my mind. Nevermind the rant. The point is today is different then yesterday. It's new! Joy comes in the morning and today it did once more. I've been struggling with grace lately towards certain people in specific. The lack of grace or opposition of extending it has made me resentful and bitter. Last night I sat at the alter and prayed for God to take this anger away and asked for forgiveness and peace. He was true to His promise to always comfort me and His spirit consumed me and I prayed harder.
As I prayed hard and fast, images of people came into my mind like a super fast power point presentation. First, the people that have trespassed against me. God showed me their offenses and just as fast showed my offenses against them. Then that transitioned into all the people in my life that need prayer for certain things. From my immediately family to my extended family and friends it seemed like no one I knew was left without prayer.
I wish I knew what I was saying. Praying in tongues is the most powerful thing I've ever done with God and in the end I'm left feeling at peace and very, very happy. Whatever the Holy Spirit in me prayed for I'm sure it was more genuine and perfect compared to whatever my own tongue could say. Even in the comfort of my own solitude I have a hard time saying what's in my heart out loud. Not cause I'm hiding from God but because I'm hiding from myself. Thank you God that you send Your Spirit to intercede for us so that our hearts can be revealed.
Anyway. I feel great and thankful again. Ready to face new conflicts and roadblocks and also to receive joy and grace. Today is Sunday and it is the first day of the rest of my life.

A Mad Tea Party

A very merry unbirthday to you!!!

I have cool fun friends. We had tea and cakes, played croquet and watched 3 versions of Alice in Wonderland all in one day, including Tim Burton's in 3D.

It was all Joy's idea. Frabjous day! Collouh Callay!

I love MN parks

They have the coolest playgrounds. This is Silver Lakes newest Pirate Ship.

Jade and Pinky Pie

Her eyes are beautiful.

My Husband (PT 3)

Is not photogenic.

My Husband (PT 2)

See! He's been home from work for 2 mins and he's already reading to both his kids. Using different voices for each character. Both kids are laughing on his lap. Perfect.

Samantha the Bookworm

Pulling out her dad's favorite book as a child. The Giving Tree.

My Husband

My husband Matthew is amazing. I grew up with him so I should know. We've been together for 11 years now and everyday is filled with exciting twist and turns.

Although I feel like I know him more than anyone in this world, he's still mysterious, leaving me to ask the "who are you?" question. His thirst to obtain knowledge and motivation to use it and share it, makes him a man who is always different, never afraid to change his outlook on things while keeping his integrity.

My favorite part about being married to my best friend is his sense of humor and quick wit. He's sensitive to my feelings (unless the joke is gonna be really good) but still he is not afraid to give me shit when I'm my high horse and I need to be knocked down. He pushes me to the limit and backs off when I've had enough. He's not that good at mind reading yet but he's also smart enough to not assume things as most people tend to do.

He is obsessed with making us happy, and that means, providing and protecting us from anything that might make us the opposite of this word. And unlike some men who can't wait to go on that hunting trip or fishing for the week, he looks forward to spending time with his kids and hanging out with his wife. I see and feel the difference between his relationship with our girls and my fathers relationship with me. It is genuine and not burdensome. He longs to be with us and we long to be with him.

I'm a lucky girl to be with such a fun, sexy, caring and smart man. Thank you God.

I should be asleep

Goodnight.

Don't Worry

When we make our own misery, we sometimes cling to it even when we want so bad to change, because the misery is something we know.  The misery is comfortable. -Dean Koontz, One Door Away From Heaven

I'm a mess on the inside.  My brain doesn't work like I think it should.  I over analyze and  pick apart stuff that I shouldn't.  In turn, my heart hurts...constantly.  I try to find answers to questions that don't have any.  Mostly because I make up scenarios in my head and/or assumptions.

My life is not boring.

But I sometimes think it is.  I must.  If I didn't think it was boring, then my imagination wouldn't preoccupy itself with made up stories that only make me feel depressed.  There's a quote, I'm not sure who said it but it's so true in my case, it says, "worry is the misuse of your imagination."  That's what I've been doing lately.  Worrying.

Gandhi said that "there is nothing that waste the body like worry.  And anyone who believes in God should be ashamed to worry about anything whatsoever."

Amen Gandhi.

So how do I stop?  The worrying? My imagination? My idle hands?

The other night, I felt anxious.  I had trouble driving and kept almost missing turns and my depth perception was off.  I found myself tuning people out and I would zone into this empty space in my mind and after a short while of just dwelling in that nothingness I would snap out of it and think to myself, focus Stephanie.  Focus on anything else but that space between.  So I read.

2 hours after I picked up "A Boy Named It", I had read it completely and was half way through it's sequel entitled "The Lost Boy".  These books made me ashamed of my worry and I fell asleep grateful to have the life that I did.  The next morning, as I was awakened by a very full bladder, I immediately started to worry.

The following is a list of the worries that I worry about.  Take note, that these thought go through my head faster than you can read them, each with great detail (that I make up) which adds to my misery.  Hence the opening quote of this blog entry;

• Sleep Deprivation: This is in part from just waking up after staying up late writing nonsense blogs.

• My Love Life:  Although it is perfect, right now, I worry that someday it'll end and that will be miserable.

• My Kids:  I worry that I'm not giving them the best childhood ever.  This worry lingers in my head longer then other worries 'cause I'm usually neglecting them while I'm busy worrying. 

• Money: 'Nuff said.

• People: I worry that people don't like me even though I don't like most people.  I like being liked and worrying about not being liked by some people makes me hate them.  And that is miserable.

• The World: I think about the different issues in the world and how I'm not doing anything to make a difference.  I think about abortion, human trafficking, orphans, unloved kids, lonely seniors, hungry vets, abused animals, sick homeless people and how instead of doing something I'm just worrying about them which doesn't help one bit but make me feel unappreciative, selfish and lazy and in addition makes me feel miserable.

• Myself: I worry about my mental health after I worry about the above things and how if I keep worrying about these things and making myself crazy that I will indeed become crazy.  And that worries me.

There is a lot more to this list but it seems as if you might of gotten the picture.  I'm a worrier.  You know what's funny?  The whole time I was writing this blog I was worried that it sucked because I'm tired and a bit delirious right now.  I'm gonna post it anyway and not worry about it. ; )

'Life's a Bench!'

The link below takes you to an article in the PostBulletin that announces a art project the city has for putting paintings on city benches.  I'm sooooo applying.  Wish me luck.

Arts Council plans 'Life's a Bench!' project

I'm really excited about this.

Time After Time

Time seems to pass just the same without facebook readily available to me. Its been almost 3 days since I've logged in and honestly I don't miss it. I do, however, find myself needing to write down my thoughts through out the day with no where to post them right then and there.

There is this blog.

But blogger mobile seems to be rather picky on what days it will work. Often times I find myself writing down something for a good chunk of time and sending it, then later discovering that it was never delivered. Ofcourse I always realize this after I delete my posts from my phone.

Since I deleted my Facebook account I have written two good full length blogs and sent them via email to my blogspot. Neither were delivered and both can never be duplicated. The release that I got from writing these never read before blogs quenched my need to express my feelings through words. Although I'm a bit disappointed that they were deleted, they did much good to my spirit and my writers itch.

So here I am again. Typing away on my Blackberry while two little girls climb over my legs and use them as monkey bars and balancing beams. They are my inspiration that nurture this vise that I call "urgent care". And if anything good ever came from me deactivating my Facebook account its this... I will be writing a lot more now...I hope.