Right Now

How old will you turn in 2009?​ 26

Would​ you date someo​ne 8 years​ older​ than you? If I wasn't married sure why not.

What were you doing​ at 4am? Definitely asleep, I've had a very busy week.

What'​s your relat​ionsh​ip with the perso​n you last texte​d? I'm married to the man.

What is the last card game you playe​d?​ Blackjack at the Holiday Inn.

Who was the last perso​n to give you a ride somew​here?​ Hmmm... Shauna to Panera Bread for some delicious coffee and a much needed girls night.

What were your first​ thoug​hts this morni​ng?​ Pray!

Are you a jealo​us perso​n?​ No, I know he loves me.

Do you have a best frien​d?​ yes. A few. All are my favorite in different ways. Matthew will always be number one. I can't really imagine not having him in my life.

Where​ was your defau​lt taken​?​ 6609 Hyde Avenue, Las Vegas, NV 89107

What is bothe​ring you right​ now? Whoa, a lot. Mostly that I've been making Matthew sad. But things are getting better. I think. At least I feel better.

Do you belie​ve what goes aroun​d comes​ aroun​d? No. Unless the person that you wronged believes in that, then yes!

Do you trust​ peopl​e easil​y?​ Yes actually. I believe that everyone should get a fair chance and I think everyone deserves a second chance but necessarily a 3rd.

One thing​ you'​re looki​ng forwa​rd to? Just one? Man, lets see... The month of February.

What was the last thing​ you drank​? Dr. Pepper.

Are most of the best frien​ds in your life new or old? Lets see. Brett is the oldest. He would be 12 years, Then Matt is at 10, Lexy would be maybe the last 3 and Jared and Tom would be put together at 1 and half years.

Do you like pulpy​ orang​e juice​? ​it's ok. I prefer no pulp though.

Would​ you ever parac​hute off of a plane​? ​Yikes. Yes. I will someday.

Do you want to hit somet​hing?​ I want to hit a ball on a tether.

Would​ you ever get a tatto​o?​ yes.

What'​s your mood? Very awake and positive. I feel like creating something, anything. I feel loved, I feel wanted and needed. I feel optimistic about our new friends and the relationships we're building. I feel blessed considering...

Who was the last perso​n you saw a movie​ with?​ LOL. I watched What About Bob with Matthew and Jared last night.

Day been rough​?​ Not yet.

Is there​ someo​ne you want to be with right​ now? There are someones I would like to be with...My Las Vegas, Family.

Do you like Valen​tine'​s Day? I like filling out Jade's Valentines out with her.

Plans​ for your next birth​day?​ I want to be on a plane for my next birthday, I want to not be home.

Tell me about​ the shirt​ you'​re weari​ng?​it's a hoodie that I'm wearing over a thermal and I'm still cold.

Would​ you ever enhan​ce or get any kind of plast​ic surge​ry?​ Yes, eventually I'm gonna need my huge boobs lifted. I'm gonna wait another 20 years though.

Someo​ne leave​s a note and flowe​rs on your car, cute ? No, Flowers are such a waste of money and the only one I would expect to do that is Matthew and I would be upset that he didn't get something more useful. A note would be awesome.

Do you remem​ber who you liked​ in 7th grade​?​ William Adams.

What are you up to this weeke​nd?​ Much anitcipated Cooking Club with Shawnna, April, Kelly, Sheri and um... someone else.

How do you vent your anger​?​ I yell and slam things.

Can you crack​ your knuck​les?​ yes.

What color​ is your mouse​ pad? Black with lots of dust.

What time did you wake up this morni​ng?​ 4:30 am and then again at 8:30.

What was the last thing​ you did befor​e you went to bed last night​?​ Turn off the lights.

Do you feel comfo​rtabl​e with answe​ring perso​nal quest​ions?​ sure.

Do you think​ age matte​rs in relat​ionsh​ips?​ yes.

What will you do after​ this? Clean my house after last nights Art Party.

What are you liste​ning to? Counting Crows and Sammy Screaming.

What do you usual​ly do first​ in the morni​ng?​ Sing, I always wake up with random songs in my head and I'll sing em while I make my bed.

Are you gonna​ be home alone​ tonig​ht? No, that's what's nice about having a family.

Would​ you go in publi​c looki​ng like you do right​ now? i'd put on a jacket and some shoes, probably a bra, but yeah.

What'​s somet​hing that can alway​s make you feel bette​r?​?​ Laughing with Matt, Listening to my IPOD, Calling Brett, Texting Jared and dancing with my kids.

Do you think​ your best frien​d and you will be frien​ds in 10 years​?​ yes.

Last time you recei​ved a rose and from who? Um, Matthew probably. I don't know when, I don't like flowers.

Have you had any beer this week?​ yes. It was delicious.

Did you laugh​ a lot at somet​hing today​?​ No not yet But I intend to.

Did you enjoy your weekend? Very much. Saturday At Robins was cool, Sunday we had a really awesome Family day and the Art Party last night was a success.

Change...Things Change

All your life is such a shame

All your love is just a dream

Open up your eyes

You can see the flames of your wasted life

You should be ashamed

You dont want to waste your life

I walk along these hillsides in the summer neath the sunshine

I am feathered by the moonlight falling down on me

Change, change, change



So this is pretty much my theme song for this month. I heard this in the car the other night and the end of Counting Crows' a Murder of One just really sang to my soul. The first half is just good but the ending resonated something inside of me. It made me feel something.



I have been called and created to do something huge, and all my life I've been sitting here waiting. It's just a shame, shame, shame. And all His love, is just a dream, dream, dream. (come true) And I don't want to waste my life so somethings got to CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE!



And that something is me.


So, we prayed and God said no to Mexico. I don't know if that is indefinitely or whatever but I'm surprisingly okay with his response. It seems that as of late, he has placed people in our lives that are more than just friends to us. I believe that he will use us all as long as we are willing.

So, for now we will pray and plan for guidance. I'm actually really excited to see Him work in our lives again.

So Monday... the 12th, plan on coming over to the Holt house for arts and fun.
Bring a project to work on. Sketches, paintings, easles, charcoal, music instruments, culinary art is more than welcomed and whatever you want to create just do it with us. At 5ish.

So Yeah.

Conversations with God

So God told me to write journal about my experiences with Him so...
This will not be in chronological order. I'm gonna let things flow.... try to keep up.

I'm laying in bed, its about 10:30 pm on a Friday and the day ahead of me starts in less then 8 hours. I have been full of anger, bitterness, hate, discontent and confusion. I haven't felt feelings like this in about 4 years. The intensity of my emotions are exhausting and I am ready for sleep. The girls are in bed, Matt is...I really don't care.

I close my eyes and God tells me, "go ahead, just ask."
I say, "no, I'm tired, I don't want to ask you for anything. I've made up my mind, I quit. I'm tired of crying, I can't do it anymore, I won't. I'm tired of being sad, I'm tired of being tired all the time. Let me go, I just want a break." I feel myself start to get mad again. I just want to sleep and then I heard him almost laugh.

(note to reader: when I say I hear God, I mean subconsciously, I can't actually hear him audibly.

Although he's so loud in my heart sometimes that I'm pretty shocked that you can't)
So, God in all of His wisdom, says to me, "foolish kid, stop pretending you don't need my help, I'm not gonna beg. So just ask me already and stop being so proud. I know who you really are."
FINE! Man, you know sometimes God, you can be pretty pushy! So I'm gonna pray now but I don't want to. I knew if I did though, that something would happen and I wanted to see what He was up to. So I started and the conversation went something like this...

Jesus, what's wrong with me?! Help! I have this demon inside that I keep feeding with all this anger and I HATE him. But it's not my fault you know, cause I'm hurt and they did this to me, I have every right to feel this and I'm not gonna let it go, I don't care that it makes me feel like shit, I don't care that it hurts my heart, that it makes me hurt my character and hurt my relationship with you. Nothing matters anymore cause I'm done. I'm ready to quit and I'm okay with the consequences of all the things that make no sense whatsoever.

He listens patiently and then I sigh...
I forgot that I'm talking to God and that I'm trying to get away with feeding him a bunch of
bullshit.

conversation continues, this time I surrender...

HELP! I know what you want God, I want it too. But something is telling me I don't. What do I do? I was satisfied, so content with my role. My life was a blessing and now I have given up because I'm tired. It doesn't make sense. (insert tears here)

And then...I feel something come over my body and hold me. I couldn't move. Literally I couldn't move. My arms were together, my hands under my head and I couldn't move. My legs were frozen and I felt like someone was holding me tightly against their body. I felt their breath on my head as I continued with my pity party. I don't want to open my eyes. I continue to try to get my self loose, but there is something definitely keeping me from getting away and I finally give up and let it comfort me. I felt cradled and I didn't care that this was sorta creepy, my body is depleted of any energy and an hour later... I hear Him say..

It's okay kid, I love you and I'll never give you more than you can bear. Go to sleep.
And I did. But He wasn't done and He still isn't...

To Be Continued...

A Calling

So I need to write a book before I die. I have this post it note that reminds me to spend an hour on it each day. I look at it and conveniently ignore it and check my facebook page. It's not that I don't want to do it, I just can't think of anything to write about. I really want to write a children's book. Actually, I do have an entire book written and it's just sitting around somewhere in some notebook. I should dig it out and get it down on my hard drive some day, like today. But I won't.

Instead, I'm writing this note.

So today, is the 1^st day of the year. January 1^st. I know. Technically it's the 2^nd 'cause its past midnight, but I have this rule that it's not the next day until I have gone to bed and given up on the day. Naps in a car on the way home from a bar or neighboring town do not count as going to bed. At least not in my rule book.

Tomorrow is Friday, the 2^nd day of the year. Yikes. I haven't done shit today. And I'm okay with that.

So we, Matthew and I, have decided to move out of the country. Our deadline is one year from this month. It has always been our dream to help others less fortunate then us but we keep coming up with excuses on why we can't go. We need more time studying the word, we have kids, our jobs, our family, our things. All these excuses have kept us from living a meaningful life, a life with purpose. We came to Rochester with a vision and we lost it. We have drifted away from our calling and one of the most important reasons why we moved to this very cold state. We wanted to bring people to Jesus and instead we ourselves have drifted away from Him.

But it's time for action and the adventure we have ahead for us is both exciting and barbaric. Just the way I like it. Sell everything and go, He once told us. I pray that He will tell us that again, and I pray that once again we will listen to His call. Go, and make disciples in every nation.
Our lives have become meaningless. We have let ourselves become apathetic and have settled for an ordinary life. I am not ordinary. Matthew is not ordinary and my kids are destined to be powerful and amazing followers of Christ. Part of our commitment to one another as parents was to give our kids an amazing childhood. I can't think of anything better than giving them a chance to experience God first hand. Not just in church on Sundays but every day. Experience His love through helping others, feeding families, loving on kids and worshiping together.

Our goal is January 2010. How cool. Praise GOD! I'm super stoked. I have been feeling emptiness in my soul lately; I tried to fill it with other stuff, ungodly stuff. But I can feel my soul slowly coming back to life now. That craving that I have had for months is finally being recognized and I know now, that although it'll be challenging, it'll be satisfied again.

WOW! I can't wait. I'm a dork for you God. I can't believe how awesome you are.